This is Not a Holiday

Travel Tales for the Third-World Realist

  • HOME

  • ABOUT

  • BOOKS

  • FILMS

  • ARTICLES

  • BLOG

  • CONTACT

  • More

    Go Travel Money Minder

    [Short of time? Read the Haiku review instead]

    Drugs on holiday - probably a bad idea, a bit like drugs at home for that matter. I don’t really understand why some people differentiate, choosing to indulge in countries where the punishment could involve being buried up to the neck and used as a quoits post, yet abstaining at home where a slapped wrist is likely all they’d receive. But that’s neither here nor there. I don’t take drugs (see review of Garmin eTrex 10 GPS) either travelling or at home. I may be boring but at least I’m consistent.

    But if I did, I’d know where to hide them. I own a money belt – an old, frayed thing with perished elastic and dodgy zips. Gerda bought it in Buenos Aries in 2003 and I nicked it off her a couple of years later. The reason I keep hold of this one, rather than replace it with a new-fangled, RFID-proof, sweat-resistant model, is simple – it has a secret pocket. A feature that I have failed to find duplicated in any model I’ve seen since.

    A secret pocket? In a money belt? An unnecessary feature, you might think? Not at all. Such is the ubiquitousness of the common-or-garden, black-throated money belt that nowadays every third-world tribesman with even a passing familiarity with tourists knows of their existence. There are locally-embroidered models for sale in the night market in Luang Prabang (Laos) for goodness sake. If a mugger targets you, he’ll go straight for it. But that’s not to say they’re a pointless accessory – no – they foil the casual pickpocket, light-fingered Romany child and all but the determinedly violent thief. If you’re hitting the road, make sure you’ve got one. Another thing generally alluded to as unsafe in foreign climes is hitchhiking. Why this pastime should be more dangerous in the developing world is beyond me. The drivers are generally more reckless than average I suppose, but you’re no safer in a private car or bus, or even in a roadside café. Indeed, if you hail from Birmingham, England, as I do, most places in Africa are probably safer. I’ve hitchhiked everywhere from Greece to Ethiopia and the only time I came to grief was on the northbound M6 near junction 33, but that’s another story. At the risk of totally discrediting my theory, I was trying my thumb on Ko Samui one time when I was picked up by a couple on a moped. As we know, it’s not uncommon to see whole families in SE Asia going on outings to the seaside on their trusty Chinese scooters, I think six is my record, so I was unperturbed when the smiling, long-haired driver shuffled back and offered me a space betwixt his thighs. From this position it was easier for me to operate the handlebars so, essentially, I gave them a lift. As I steered, my benefactor attempted to engage me in a financial transaction involving his cannabis and my money. I explained politely that I did not partake but, afraid that my lift was about to end abruptly, lied that I had a friend who might be interested. Sure enough this kept his attention long enough for me to reach my destination, whereupon he wrote down his cell phone number to give to my imaginary friend. I thanked him and strolled away down the beach, empty at this season, and prepared to delete him from my mind.

    Alas, no. As my lift sped away the khaki-clad form of a Thai police officer emerged from a nearby palm tree, behind which he’d clearly been hiding, and called me to a halt. Now I pride myself on the speed of my brain power so after a brief second of flicking my eyes comically between the empty road, the copper, and the tree, I came to an unavoidable conclusion. Obviously his accomplice had, whilst sitting behind me, slipped dope into one of my pockets for this policeman, real or fake, to find during a ‘random’ body search. This is a common scam which I’d always dismissed as unlikely to trouble me, yet now I found myself facing an expensive bribe, jail time or, if the amount was sufficient, life in prison. Shit. “How do you know that man?” asked the officer. My swiftly-calculating mind may have been screaming bloody terror but I remained calm enough to tell him the truth, excepting the discussion of possible future illegal business relations. “He is a known drug dealer,” was his response, “I will have to search you.” “If he is a known dealer then why isn’t he the one undergoing this interrogation?” I could have asked, but in situations like these it doesn’t pay to antagonise one’s tormentor. “Empty your pockets,” he demanded.

    This was it. Part of me was in denial, issuing reassurances that this could not be about to happen to me, now, for no reason. The other part though, the rational part, was wondering just what the hell I would find as I reached into my trouser pocket. I recalled a few baht in notes and coins, some scraps of paper, a ferry ticket, my notebook and pen. Definitely no hard drugs. As I dug deep I closed my eyes and prayed that I would find nothing incriminating. Thankfully my fist emerged clutching only the aforementioned items. My relief was painfully obvious to him, as was his disappointment to me. He continued to search me thoroughly – in my shoes, under my cap and from one side of my trousers to the other. Eventually he gave up and let me go – I was not going to prison today. During his examination the policeman had emptied my money belt and shuffled through my passport, plastic cards, insurance documents, cash dollars and spare visa photos, but as methodical as he was he never discovered the secret Velcro pocket, inside which were my most precious secrets. And that is why I will never replace it, RFID be damned!

    Tags:

    • review
    Featured Posts
    Tyres, Trucks & Tarmac: The premiere

    Tyres, Trucks & Tarmac: The premiere

    An Interview with Dan Slater, The Trail Running Mastermind Behind The NUTR.

    An Interview with Dan Slater, The Trail Running Mastermind Behind The NUTR.

    Sea to Summit Waterproof Phone Case

    Sea to Summit Waterproof Phone Case

    Ruffwear Grip Trex

    Ruffwear Grip Trex

    Lifeventure Travel Ear Plugs

    Lifeventure Travel Ear Plugs

    Packtowl Ultralite Travel Towel

    Packtowl Ultralite Travel Towel

    Bose QC15 Headphones

    Bose QC15 Headphones

    This is NOT a Holiday - Dan Slater

    This is NOT a Holiday - Dan Slater

    Short film - the NZ tour training weekend.

    New Edition out now!

    New Edition out now!

    {"items":["5f6bf5b3916c26001763e43b","5f6bf5b3916c26001763e440","5f6bf5b3916c26001763e444","5f6bf5b36c382100170192d6","5f6bf5b36c382100170192d7","5f6bf5b36c382100170192da","5f6bf5b36c382100170192dc","5f6bf5b36c382100170192dd","5f6bf5b2a6d2c400186dd8c9","5f6bf5b2a6d2c400186dd8ce"],"styles":{"galleryType":"Strips","groupSize":1,"showArrows":true,"cubeImages":true,"cubeType":"fill","cubeRatio":"100%/100%","isVertical":false,"gallerySize":30,"collageDensity":0.8,"groupTypes":"1","oneRow":true,"imageMargin":0,"galleryMargin":0,"scatter":0,"chooseBestGroup":true,"smartCrop":false,"hasThumbnails":false,"enableScroll":true,"isGrid":false,"isSlider":false,"isColumns":false,"isSlideshow":true,"cropOnlyFill":false,"fixedColumns":1,"enableInfiniteScroll":true,"isRTL":false,"minItemSize":120,"rotatingGroupTypes":"","rotatingCropRatios":"","columnWidths":"","gallerySliderImageRatio":1.7777777777777777,"numberOfImagesPerRow":3,"numberOfImagesPerCol":1,"groupsPerStrip":0,"borderRadius":0,"boxShadow":0,"gridStyle":0,"mobilePanorama":false,"placeGroupsLtr":false,"viewMode":"preview","thumbnailSpacings":4,"galleryThumbnailsAlignment":"bottom","isMasonry":false,"isAutoSlideshow":true,"slideshowLoop":false,"autoSlideshowInterval":3,"bottomInfoHeight":0,"titlePlacement":"SHOW_ON_HOVER","galleryTextAlign":"center","scrollSnap":true,"itemClick":"nothing","fullscreen":true,"videoPlay":"hover","scrollAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","slideAnimation":"SCROLL","scrollDirection":1,"scrollDuration":400,"overlayAnimation":"FADE_IN","arrowsPosition":0,"arrowsSize":18,"watermarkOpacity":40,"watermarkSize":40,"useWatermark":true,"watermarkDock":{"top":"auto","left":"auto","right":0,"bottom":0,"transform":"translate3d(0,0,0)"},"loadMoreAmount":"all","defaultShowInfoExpand":1,"allowLinkExpand":true,"expandInfoPosition":0,"allowFullscreenExpand":true,"fullscreenLoop":false,"galleryAlignExpand":"left","addToCartBorderWidth":1,"addToCartButtonText":"","slideshowInfoSize":160,"playButtonForAutoSlideShow":false,"allowSlideshowCounter":false,"hoveringBehaviour":"NEVER_SHOW","thumbnailSize":120,"magicLayoutSeed":1,"imageHoverAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","imagePlacementAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","calculateTextBoxWidthMode":"PERCENT","textBoxHeight":0,"textBoxWidth":200,"textBoxWidthPercent":50,"textImageSpace":10,"textBoxBorderRadius":0,"textBoxBorderWidth":0,"loadMoreButtonText":"","loadMoreButtonBorderWidth":1,"loadMoreButtonBorderRadius":0,"imageInfoType":"ATTACHED_BACKGROUND","itemBorderWidth":0,"itemBorderRadius":0,"itemEnableShadow":false,"itemShadowBlur":20,"itemShadowDirection":135,"itemShadowSize":10,"imageLoadingMode":"BLUR","expandAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","imageQuality":90,"usmToggle":false,"usm_a":0,"usm_r":0,"usm_t":0,"videoSound":false,"videoSpeed":"1","videoLoop":true,"gallerySizeType":"px","gallerySizePx":220,"allowTitle":true,"allowContextMenu":true,"textsHorizontalPadding":-30,"showVideoPlayButton":true,"galleryLayout":5,"targetItemSize":220,"selectedLayout":"5|bottom|1|fill|false|1|true","layoutsVersion":2,"selectedLayoutV2":5,"isSlideshowFont":true,"externalInfoHeight":0,"externalInfoWidth":0},"container":{"width":220,"height":284,"galleryWidth":220,"galleryHeight":123,"scrollBase":0}}
    Recent Posts
    Escape to Coronaville

    Escape to Coronaville

    West Side Boys Story

    West Side Boys Story

    Halftime Report

    Halftime Report

    Race to Dakar

    Race to Dakar

    How the Hell did I get Here?

    How the Hell did I get Here?

    {"items":["5f6bf5b3f4cf3700184ea5e9","5f6bf5b3f4cf3700184ea5ea","5f6bf5b3f4cf3700184ea5eb","5f6bf5b3f4cf3700184ea5ec","5f6bf5b3f4cf3700184ea5ed"],"styles":{"galleryType":"Columns","groupSize":1,"showArrows":true,"cubeImages":true,"cubeType":"max","cubeRatio":1.7777777777777777,"isVertical":true,"gallerySize":30,"collageAmount":0,"collageDensity":0,"groupTypes":"1","oneRow":false,"imageMargin":22,"galleryMargin":0,"scatter":0,"chooseBestGroup":true,"smartCrop":false,"hasThumbnails":false,"enableScroll":true,"isGrid":true,"isSlider":false,"isColumns":false,"isSlideshow":false,"cropOnlyFill":false,"fixedColumns":0,"enableInfiniteScroll":true,"isRTL":false,"minItemSize":50,"rotatingGroupTypes":"","rotatingCropRatios":"","columnWidths":"","gallerySliderImageRatio":1.7777777777777777,"numberOfImagesPerRow":3,"numberOfImagesPerCol":1,"groupsPerStrip":0,"borderRadius":0,"boxShadow":0,"gridStyle":0,"mobilePanorama":false,"placeGroupsLtr":false,"viewMode":"preview","thumbnailSpacings":4,"galleryThumbnailsAlignment":"bottom","isMasonry":false,"isAutoSlideshow":false,"slideshowLoop":false,"autoSlideshowInterval":4,"bottomInfoHeight":0,"titlePlacement":["SHOW_ON_THE_RIGHT","SHOW_BELOW"],"galleryTextAlign":"center","scrollSnap":false,"itemClick":"nothing","fullscreen":true,"videoPlay":"hover","scrollAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","slideAnimation":"SCROLL","scrollDirection":0,"scrollDuration":400,"overlayAnimation":"FADE_IN","arrowsPosition":0,"arrowsSize":23,"watermarkOpacity":40,"watermarkSize":40,"useWatermark":true,"watermarkDock":{"top":"auto","left":"auto","right":0,"bottom":0,"transform":"translate3d(0,0,0)"},"loadMoreAmount":"all","defaultShowInfoExpand":1,"allowLinkExpand":true,"expandInfoPosition":0,"allowFullscreenExpand":true,"fullscreenLoop":false,"galleryAlignExpand":"left","addToCartBorderWidth":1,"addToCartButtonText":"","slideshowInfoSize":200,"playButtonForAutoSlideShow":false,"allowSlideshowCounter":false,"hoveringBehaviour":"NEVER_SHOW","thumbnailSize":120,"magicLayoutSeed":1,"imageHoverAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","imagePlacementAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","calculateTextBoxWidthMode":"PERCENT","textBoxHeight":60,"textBoxWidth":200,"textBoxWidthPercent":75,"textImageSpace":10,"textBoxBorderRadius":0,"textBoxBorderWidth":0,"loadMoreButtonText":"","loadMoreButtonBorderWidth":1,"loadMoreButtonBorderRadius":0,"imageInfoType":"ATTACHED_BACKGROUND","itemBorderWidth":0,"itemBorderRadius":0,"itemEnableShadow":false,"itemShadowBlur":20,"itemShadowDirection":135,"itemShadowSize":10,"imageLoadingMode":"BLUR","expandAnimation":"NO_EFFECT","imageQuality":90,"usmToggle":false,"usm_a":0,"usm_r":0,"usm_t":0,"videoSound":false,"videoSpeed":"1","videoLoop":true,"gallerySizeType":"px","gallerySizePx":1000,"allowTitle":true,"allowContextMenu":true,"textsHorizontalPadding":-30,"itemBorderColor":{"themeName":"color_12","value":"rgba(113,113,113,0)"},"showVideoPlayButton":true,"galleryLayout":2,"calculateTextBoxHeightMode":"MANUAL","targetItemSize":1000,"selectedLayout":"2|bottom|1|max|true|0|true","layoutsVersion":2,"selectedLayoutV2":2,"isSlideshowFont":true,"externalInfoHeight":60,"externalInfoWidth":0.75},"container":{"width":220,"galleryWidth":242,"galleryHeight":0,"scrollBase":0,"height":null}}
    Archive
    • March 2020 (1)
    • February 2020 (1)
    • January 2020 (1)
    • December 2019 (2)
    • November 2019 (1)
    • July 2018 (1)
    • December 2016 (1)
    • October 2016 (1)
    • September 2016 (2)
    • August 2016 (1)
    • July 2016 (1)
    • June 2016 (1)
    • May 2016 (1)
    • March 2016 (2)
    • February 2016 (1)
    • January 2016 (1)
    • November 2015 (1)
    • October 2015 (1)
    • September 2015 (3)
    • July 2015 (1)
    • June 2015 (1)
    • May 2015 (2)
    • April 2015 (1)
    • March 2015 (2)
    • February 2015 (1)
    • January 2015 (3)
    • December 2014 (2)
    • August 2014 (1)
    • July 2014 (1)
    • December 2013 (1)
    • October 2013 (1)
    • September 2013 (1)
    • August 2013 (2)
    • July 2013 (2)
    • June 2013 (2)
    • May 2013 (2)
    • April 2013 (3)
    • March 2013 (2)
    • February 2013 (2)
    • January 2013 (2)
    • December 2012 (2)
    • November 2012 (2)
    • October 2012 (2)
    • September 2012 (3)
    • August 2012 (1)

    © 2014 by Dan Slater

    Follow Us